I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
