90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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