Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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