I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
