Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
