I could have mohawked her pubes.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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