My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
