This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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