The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just sent this text using only my big toe
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
