I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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