dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's paper in my vomit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
