i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
