I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
