high people should be assigned attendants
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
