I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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