are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
