It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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