the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
