I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
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Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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