I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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