New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I stole a fireplace last night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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