I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
