Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
