God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
