So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
