Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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