So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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