I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were trust falling into bushes
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
