I puked a lego.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
