I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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