I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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