my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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