Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
