Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
