Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
