I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
