You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
