just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
