I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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