Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
