I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.