i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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