I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
