Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
