dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
