My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
