I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
