i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am one with the molecules
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
