Yo dont text me then not text me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm really busy with my period
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