hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Blood and glitter go together right?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
