I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
