Screwed.edu
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
