im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
