im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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