You smell like stripper and shame
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
