I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize