The maid of honor just puked.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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