just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
