My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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